So last Sunday I took off a few minutes and sat by myself, watched the moon as I sipped from my cup of tea. I hadn’t planned to go sit by myself and watch the moon but somehow I just found myself in this spot doing just that.
As I sat there in the cold keeping my hands warm with this mug filled with tea, so many questions began to race in my mind; the “what if…“, the “I wish…“, the “what…”, the “how…”_ And right there, I felt I needed to destruct my mind a bit before these questions could weigh me down. I lifted my eyes to the skies and stared at the moon as though it was green. I kept staring at the moon until I couldn’t hear the sound of my mind asking questions for a moment.
Then I heard this, “Crystal put on your shoes and start running.” Aaah, then what have I been doing all this time… Long story short, I understood what this statement meant.
Well, let me share something about me. Maybe you could relate and maybe this statement ‘put on your shoes and start running’ is for you too. Growing up I was so passive on the outside even when I knew I needed more out of something on the inside. Like I would say, “it’s okay” when I knew and really wanted to say it’s not. Sometimes it was because I thought, that way I am at peace with everyone. In other situations it was because I did not want to pay the price of standing my ground, while in other scenarios I would rather stay laid back and invisible because I didn’t believe in me at all. I didn’t think I could do anything even when other people thought I could. I remember while in my 3rd year in high school my friends told me to run for information prefect and I couldn’t even give it a thought… I just let it pass. me!!! prefect!!! While everyone thought I could speak, I knew I could hardly utter a sentence in public. First of all I was shy (I am still shy though some people who know me now will never believe this, I guess I have mixed personalities).
This personality stuck with me that along the way everybody else’s: joy, fulfillment, goals… came before mine as long as they were in my perimeters. I somehow thought that I was obligated to allow them have a spot in my lane. I would literally stop moving if someone else came and moved past me in my own lane. For example: if I had an idea to start a business and someone else started the same thing before I did, I would chill that and say, “‘they’ will think I copied her” Or like, if I was good at something I always felt the urge to tone down because I didn’t want others to think I was proud or showing off. So by trying not to offend them, I toned down to mediocrity just to fit in and move with their rhythm; If I was on a team and had a different opinion from the rest, I would reserve it because I saw that as clashing; If I was in a relationship (of any kind) and there was a misunderstanding and the other party put up a one inch wall, I would build one with ten inches and say bye and bye not that I didn’t care but because I was too proud and sometimes insecure to give myself a chance to face my fears of failing. I wasn’t that aggressive to fight for anything. I was conscious of what everyone would say if I did, so I always let everyone take, take and take from my lane as much as they could then I would be stuck for a while then get up and start looking for another thing to do just because I allowed someone else take what I had already started on. Funny enough it was not necessarily my lane they took from, they were probably in their own lane that had similar features with mine at certain points. To me, it looked like they were in my lane or I was coping them. And this mindset made me stop.
Someone will say this kind of behavior is found with those who like to please others. I agree… I felt like their joy mattered even at the expense of mine but not all the time. Most of the time I did not intentionally want to please anyone, no, but I was too naive to be zealous and passionate about what I wanted out of something. The scripture says in Matthew 11:12 “And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.” I believe the violence that is being talked about here is from the persecutors, heathens, the corrupt the wolves, anger, bitterness, unbelief, pride, name it. These can take from us the kingdom of God(the gospel, joy, peace and the holy ghost) if we give in to them; and that is what the enemy wants, for us to give up, give in and fail. It takes passion and zeal to take a hold of faith in the promise you have. It takes enthusiasm to hold on to what has been given to you when everything seems to fight it out of your hands. I like the way The Passion Translation brings it out, “From the moment John stepped onto the scene until now, the realm of heaven’s kingdom is bursting forth, and passionate people have taken hold of its power.” The amplified says —a share in the heavenly kingdom is sought with most ardent zeal and intense exertion].
Yeah… So that has been me, sitting there and not willing to defend what the Lord has given me, be it a business, a position in a workplace, a relationship, a ministry, name it… And please get me right I didn’t say; one has to fight physically for any of these by being mean and corrupt or ruthless. The kind of fight I am talking about is a passionate and relentless pursuit, regardless of what the world thinks. Sometimes we get so concerned with the world’s opinion that we don’t consider our inner witness to the voice of God. And sometimes it’s pride, we are so self consumed that we want to show everyone how easily we can let go and move on. Letting go and moving on is a perfect thing if we are dealing with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness… But when we think it’s cool not to care, when we think it’s cool to just say bye and bye to the things actually we should be fighting for like, you have a temporary disagreement with your boss or husband and you pack up and leave… Then, this is all pride. We are so insecure, so we build up walls. We are so scared of losing, so we don’t fight. We are so intimidated by others so we let them step over us as we cry silently. Then after a while we realise that we lost any way even when we didn’t fight. We realise we still have to go back and build what we said we didn’t care about, and sometimes it’s too late, we have to suffer the consequences.
In all this Grace is always there to help us find our way if we let It. It is never to let to do the right thing, but are we willing? So when this words came to me, its like I had been awaked from slumber. I realised I was seemingly moving while I was not actually moving up to speed. I had to much baggage weighing me down that running was difficult. I often removed my shoes to take a rest, I was suffocating from the crowd that I thought was running in my lane because my eyes were all around instead of being focused on the finishing line. And these words came to me with insight, “put on your shoes and start running”.
As I write this, I can’t say I have run miles yet already. However, I have opened myself up to the process. I am taking back my lane mercilessly. I am taking back my business ideas without allowing my mind to be corrupted. I am letting go of pride and saying I need you if I need you. I am breaking down walls I built around me when I was too insecure and the letting light come in. I am not willing to keeping losing battles I never attempted to fight, I am fighting with a mind of victory knowing the battle is already won. Being passionate is not for the weak, it’s for the strong and I am taking my strength back. My eyes are on the goal.
Lord, this is my story. I am not embarrassed to share it. I am not embarrassed to say I was weak or proud while everyone saw strength and an open mind. Lord as you are helping me draw strength from laying my weaknesses at your feet, I pray for those struggling with the same attitude and behavior… Help them fight for what they should fight for, help them break walls and let your help come in, help them break pride they have mistaken for humility. Restore a caring heart before they ever regret not caring. Clear their lanes and give them the strength to run well. Amen.
Signed, A vessel under molding.
#life #mystory #grace #God